Friday, March 19, 2010

BaCKWaRD BLoG

So, I'm gonna start with the crap first, as in this backward blog. This was a crappy crappy day, actually a crappy crappy week, with a ton of tears and a ton of emotions as if a truck rolled over me, but I think I already blogged about that steamroller.

The sign went up today and the tears came out today. I couldn't stop crying, and then I couldn't stop crying because there's nothing worth crying over. My children don't have cancer. There's nothing dreadful happening in my life. I am selfish and shouldn't be crying over this kind of stuff even though it can be gut-wrenching at times. But shouldn't I be able to give into this? I know you can say each person is allowed to feel what that person wants to feel or has to feel, but what right do I have to feel what I'm feeling when there are other people with legitimate sadness going on in their lives. What right do I have to FEEL SAD over this? What is really SAD in my life? Then I berate myself for feeling this way. I don't know. I'm certainly in a different place typing this than I was 10 hours ago, bent over 24 hangers as I cleaned out my bedroom closet trying to remember the Serenity prayer begging God simply for PEACE because that's all I wanted to feel, was PEACE, as I cried and cried and cried in that closet and tossed clothes and could name every event I wore each shirt to, as if I was throwing away complete memories of my life and not just pieces of clothing.

Because that's how I live my life. Piece by piece by piece, and now I'm throwing away pieces of my life that I'm not prepared to throw away and I just don't want to throw them away. I guess I'm not ready for THIS phase of my life to be over and for the next one to start but it's not for me to decide is it? I'm not the driver. I'm just along for the ride. OK, I'm getting waaaay melodramatic here and so I'll take it back a notch and talk about how we did have our first showing tonight and how ironically the neighbor's dog got out just before the showing, got in the backyards and got sprayed by a skunk, which must have been in OUR backyard so now our whole house STINKS like a fucking skunk. And of course, this is a mere 1/2 hour before the first official showing of our house. I say it was all planned so that no one will want our house. The smell is rancid.

Our realtor called me concerned and asked, "The realtor who showed your house called and said there was a smell."

Great.

Fucking great.

Man, could this be the memoir I'm meant to write? I seriously mean, COME on, who plants a freaking SKUNK in the backyard RIGHT before you're going to sell your house to stop you from selling your house?

OK, I'm done with that.

Now, as for the backward blog, here's what I wrote on the plane back from Arizona, and I'm not even going to edit it, it's just what I wrote on the plane, courtesy of my friend Xanax, so here goes, and this was written on Monday, March 14, ooh, one month before I turn 41. Does that mean it's the opposite of my golden birthday?


oN the plane heading back to Chicago and if you are my “friend” on FaceBook you already got a little taste of what the Arizona weekend was like for me. I do have to start by saying it really did exceed any expectations I had. Probably because maybe I didn’t have any expectations to begin with. I don’t know what I was looking for. I had hoped to find an area that would seem compatible for my family and that I would feel comfortable calling home. I think we may have touched upon a few areas like that.

We got into town Friday night and Mr. Manic wanted to impress me right away so he took me to a place in Scottsdale, a Japanese restaurant that he knew of that he had been to on a quiet Tuesday night. Well, it was not a Tuesday night. And let me just say, the Boobs and Botox were out in FULL FORM! We both felt like we had been transported back into the days of our twenties when we would gear it up and go out hunting for some fun and frolicking. The problemo? We are now in our forties and not in any way shape or form in that place to be out froliciking. The people at this place were GORGEOUS, and yep, delightful to look at that’s for sure. I gawked. Yes, I did. And there were handsome people there. That was my first taste of Scottsdale. Hot, hot hot. And yeah, there’s lots of skin and it’s tan and brown and glistening and glittering and showy and pierced and tattooed and glammed up. THAT’s something I’ll have to get used to, or maybe we just happened upon a scene that’s out of our league that very first night?
However! The food was AMAZING! The.BEST.sushi I ever had. And I’m not the hugest sushi fan. I like it, I’ll eat it, I don’t go out in search of it often, but this was so fresh and delicious, that it would probably become craving. So yeah, good stuff. And as I felt more comfortable in the environment and the atmosphere (drank more), the less intimiated I became with my surroundings.

The next day we hit the ground running, hit the pavement hard, and we did this for two days straight, cruising the streets of Scottsdale and parts of Phoenix we had previously targeted. In all, we tracked 405 miles in a rental within about a 30 mile radius trying to find the perfect Bubble for Manic Mommy to call her new Happy Place. Did we find it? Well, maybe. How do we go about finding a place to make Manic happy? Well, we start with the obvious. We find a Target. Then we drive around that Target to find neighborhoods I might like to live in. And then we find a school near that Target. And a Starbucks. This is the Manic School of Finding a Community. We also look for skate parks, basketball hoops, community pools, and rec centers. These all factor into Where Does Manic Want To Set Up Shop To Raise Her Family? One area had a Safeway grocery store, a yoga studio, a Lutheran Church, Chase Bank, Starbucks, Target and Einstein’s bagels, AND MOUNTAINS all RIGHT there. I stood and took pictures turning in a quarter angle. That is the example of a Manic Bubble. That is the possible living arrangement I could handle.
Cons for me: It was a big shock to initially see the stone front yards and all the brown homes, also set so close together, and the walls in everyone’s back yards, but I realize that’s because of all the pools. But still, I don’t like those walls, it looks like you’re swimming in a penitentiary. Also weird is that you don’t get your own mailbox. The mailboxes are like the mailboxes you see at the post office – all stacked together in one place, usually a shaded area. I am sure that’s so the mail man OR WOMAN, does not die delivering the mail in 120 degree heat. But still, to not have your own mailbox is strange.
The cactus are beginning to look kind of cool. There are some very neat foliage … OK, now this pilot is saying there are some severe bumps ahead. I HATE that. Should I take another xanax or just deal with it? OK, moving along. ..
Cactus and foliage, I will post some pics. We managed to hike up a trail this morning, beautiful, until I thought, oops, there could be rattlers up here. Then I got a little freaked. We saw some good friends in Anthem for dinner one night, and it is nice to know we’ve got connections for when we get out there. We met up with a dear friend from college who works for the Phoenix Sun’s – hellooo! He hooked us up with some awesome tix courtside, third row, and even though I had no idea who ANY of the players were, I totally enjoyed that, and I didn’t even KNOW the Geico Caveman was the center for their team! Who KNEW?!

Mr. Manic and I had a lot of laughs, I didn’t cry once, and I am accepting this next stage in our life as an adventure. I’m excited to get the kids out there to see all that Arizona has to offer and I am pretty sure they will love it. I just hope they don’t bitch about the heat. I’m signing off now because I am anticipating some bumps and I don’t want to deal with them. More later!

Peace UP!

So obviously you can tell by reading the Arizona post from the Illinois post that there have been some definite emotional ups and downs going on these days and they'll continue, but I guess that's just part of life. Would I have rather been stuck in a one stop-light town for my whole life and not been able to experience much of the world my entire life? I don't think so. So I'm looking at this the most positive way that I can, and yes, I'm going to be sad and emotional, but I'm also going to be as positive as I can and look toward the future, but I've got feelings so they're going to come out. That's just how I am. It's me.

14 comments:

SB said...

maybe the skunk is trying to tell you to stay?
SB

Cindy Procter-King said...

If you raised your kids in that house, or even partially in that house, or you shared any precious moments in that house, then you have a right to be sad. Hugs.

Monnik said...

Oh Manic, I've been following your journey on Facebook and Twitter, and I think maybe this *is* what you're supposed to write your book about. It's so relevant right now!

And the skunk? God sure has a sense of humor.

Hang in there. Your peace is coming. Probably in the form of one of Arizona's gorgeous sunrises. As I sit looking at the five inches of snow that was dumped on us last night, I am feeling rather jealous.

My Two Army Brats said...

That is so cool that you get to move to a new place. We move all the time and it sucks and I cry when I leave then I suck it up and make the most of the new. You will too in time.

As for the mailboxes we've always lived in military housing and had big metal groups of mail boxes and now I have my own and it's so weird!

Good luck you'll get be okay!

Kayo said...

Hang in there..Looks like you will find the comforts of home(Target, grocery store,church,etc) and things will fall into place. Having your lovely little family with you will make it transition nicely. Seeing them adapt will help you as well.
Your doing great!!

eatmisery said...

You have every right to have your moments of sadness. It's not every day that people relocate to the other side of the country. You're doing such a great job hanging in there. It can't possibly be easy.

Breathe. Just don't forget to breathe.

MaBunny said...

Good luck in all of your upcoming endeavors. I know moving is tough, but it is also a big adventure. hugs to you all as you continue on forward.
I think God had a sense of humor too about the skunk.

Kim Rossi Stagliano said...

Do they really have giant penises just growing out of the ground in Arizona? That's pretty cool... See, Manic, you'll find the good stuff. And it will always find you. You're entitled to every single emotion. Moving is tough. You'll be in Chicago in May though? Can we try again this year to meet up?

Anne said...

I don't know if you "do awards ;) but if you do I would like to award you with the Stiletto Award. Check out the post I wrote about it --> http://alloftheaboveonline.blogspot.com/2010/03/march-madness-my-first-stilettos.html I love your blog, love following you on Twitter, just lots of love all around :-)

Mattie I. Brown said...

It very much normal to live your life in your own pace. You have to give enough room for your emotions in order to fully outgrow them in the end. I could only wish you well whatever it is that you are going through and nothing to worry because you are just one of the million people in this planet that live their lives the way you do... and not to mention you have to count me in.

Amy said...

The skunk is seriously hilarious! Who else would that happen to but you?

Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist said...

I agree with Monnik - this might be your book!!!!

I loved this post. It so clearly showed the ups and downs and craziness of your life right now. Hang in there!

Bina said...

I can't even believe the thing with the skunk happened! I bet Swishy planned it all out.

I've been reading through the last few posts and haven't found out WHY you are having move, so WHY?

And you probably haven't been reading my blog but in six short weeks, I went from a semi-happily married woman to signing divorce papers yesterday, and I still don't have clear understand as to why. I left my house. The house I bought, all by my self. The house I hung crown molding in, all.by.my.self. The house I painted and did landscaping in and put tile backsplash in, all.by.my.self. I moved out of it Saturday. I went to every single room and said goodbye. Walking out the door, I cried like a baby.

Life most often does not turn out the way we hoped or dreamed, but looking forward to a new future is the best way to deal with it. And it sounds like you are starting to do that.

(And yes, I still have your magnet on my fridge at my new place!)

Anonymous said...

I live in California and we have skunks that live under our deck. It's not that bad.